Improving Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills

Good communication

• prevents conflict,
• saves time, and
• saves emotional energy

but it requires

• willingness to change old habits,
• honesty, and
• practice.

Communication is both sending messages and receiving messages. To be a good communicator, you must learn to do both. This sounds simple, but really it can be very hard to identify what the real message is. Think about the messages we send: are we saying what we mean? Think about the messages we receive: are we really hearing the message, or are we hearing our own thoughts, as well?

Effective Listening (Receiving Messages)

Some blocks to effective listening are:

• Listener assumes control of the conversation, and stops trying to hear what the communicator is really saying.
• Listener addresses only the symptoms of the problem, and not the problem itself.

Successful listening requires:

• Genuine concern for the person.
• A desire to help.
• Attentiveness to all possible cues to a person's emotional state.
• Temporarily giving up one's opinions, judgments, and feelings.
• Trust in communicator's capacity to make decisions and solve his/her own problems, given time and the right conditions.

As an effective listener, should you ask questions?

Some questions are helpful, such as:

• Asking furthering questions, like "who was involved?" or "when did this happen?" when the communicator gets stuck.
• Asking questions about the communicator's experience, like "how did you feel then?" and "what did you think about that?"
• Asking for clarification about what the communicator needs, like "what can I do to help?" or "can you tell me again what to do here?"

Some questions only serve to block communication, like:

• Asking probing or accusing questions, like "why did you do that?" These kinds of questions can create mistrust or self-doubt, and they can provoke anger.
• Asking information questions that are not appropriate, because the listener takes control of the conversation instead of really trying to hear the communicator's story.

Some other listener responses tend to stop real communication in its tracks:

Advice giving, or telling the person the solution to his/her problem (or even ordering the person to take the advice). This doesn't work because:

• Advice is rarely accepted.
• The advice giver assumes superiority over the person, causing conflict.
• The person doesn't get to take responsibility for his/her own actions.

Reassuring, or telling the person that everything will be all right. This shows the listener doesn't take the problem seriously, and the communicator feels the listener

• Doesn't care about the person.
• Doesn't understand the problem.
• Doesn't take the communicator seriously.

Analyzing or redefining the problem, or telling the person what the problem really is. This doesn't work because:

• It can create a new problem.
• It can make the communicator feel defensive.
• The analysis is rarely accepted.
• There is no way of knowing whether analysis is correct.

Preaching, or telling a person what he/she ought to do or should do. This response:

• Implies the superiority of the "preacher."
• Can make the communicator feel defensive.
• Can make the communicator feel guilty, or resent the "preacher."

Threatening, or implying that the person will suffer negative consequences. This doesn't work, because it

• Makes the communicator feel defensive, hostile, or resentful.
• Creates conflict, drawing attention away from the problem.

Effective Communicating (Sending Messages)

Some blocks to effective communicating are:

• Sending mixed messages, or saying conflicting things.
• Not being honest-with yourself or the listener-about the issue.
• Trying to communicate when you're angry or upset.

Successful communication requires:

• Having a clear idea about what you want to communicate.
• Knowing what you want or need from the listener.
• Attentiveness to your own feelings about the issue, and about talking about it.
• Willingness to keep trying until you're heard.

Some general rules for getting your message across:

Put off talking when you're very angry or upset. Take a breather before you start talking, so that you're not shouting or crying when you try to communicate. Make an appointment to come back to your discussion.

Stay focused. Limit your communication to one or two topics, and try to be specific. Write this down on a card if you need to, so that you remember what you wanted to focus on.

Avoid using sentences that start with "you." These kinds of messages feel like accusations to the listener.

Try to use "I" statements. This keeps you focused on your own feelings or needs, and helps you avoid attacking the listener or getting off-topic.

Avoid using absolute words, like "always" and "never." Almost nothing always happens, and never is a very, very long time. Using words like these can produce arguments that might not have much to do with what you really want to communicate about.

Tell the listener what you want. If you just want to get something off your chest, say so. If you need support or advice, tell the listener that. If you need a hug when you're done, ask!

Conflict Resolution

What if you try to really communicate about something, but still have a conflict?

• Take time out. If you're angry, it's harder to communicate effectively. Take a breather: make an appointment to talk again, then leave the room for a few minutes, take a walk, sleep on it.
• Define the conflict. Try to clarify what the conflict is: what do you want? What does the other person want? If you're involved in a big, emotional conflict, it can really help to write this down. Come to the meeting with an agenda, and be ready to talk about why these items are important to you.
• Determine what's negotiable. Think about what you can be flexible on-what are you willing to compromise?
• Create options. No one likes to feel like they don't have choices. Be creative, and think about trade-offs: if you can't find a true compromise, think about whether you can make up for inflexibility in one area by making concessions in other areas.
• Use a mediator. If you can't come to an agreement on your own, agree on a person you both trust and respect to help you make a decision by working through defining the conflict and finding a compromise.
• Use a judge. If all else fails, agree to ask someone else to decide-preferably someone you know wishes the best for both of you. Agree that whatever the "judge" decides, you will both live with.